Being a Good Enough Mother

When I bring up the concept of ‘the good enough mother’ in therapy with a client who hasn’t come across that term before I find I’m often met with either a) polite intrigue or 2) a response that says “that’s not for me thanks”.

And I completely get it. The term ‘good enough’ can be easily misinterpreted. It can sound like we’re settling or like we don’t have high standards. When I first heard the term during my training, I remember feeling a tad cynical about it. Ofcourse current societal expectations demand that we pour all of our time and energy into our kids - we work hard and we give and give and give - so the idea of offering them less than 100% can feel uncomfortable.

But my interpretation of the concept isn’t about setting the bar low. Instead, it’s about challenging perfection, leaning away from intensive mothering practices and embracing our human-ness. We are human beings before we are mothers. For me, in my own parenting journey, the concept of the good enough mother helps remind me to take a deep breath when I feel like I’m drowning. It can empower us to mother in a way that encompasses flexibility, freedom and compassion.

In 1954 a paediatrician and psychoanalyst called Donald Winnicott observed mothers and infants. He learned about their relationships, and especially the levels of attunement and responsiveness from the mothers. He noted the importance of the role of mothering in children’s cognitive development. We know, that when we tune into our young baby’s needs, work hard to learn patterns in their behaviour, begin to understand through time and practice how each baby is different in their behaviours and emotions and ways of communicating – we are demonstrating safety and security. We’re saying “I hear you, I see you, I’m here and you’re safe”. But Winnicott also noted the sheer intensity of a newborn baby’s needs. He recognised the huge level of responsibility felt by each mother and the time and commitment required to be constantly and immediately attuned and responsive. And he saw that this was not sustainable.

A Gift to Them

As babies get older, Winnicott observed that their mothers are still attentive and caring, but they will typically start to allow a little more time to pass before rushing to meet the baby’s needs. The baby might begin to experience small amounts of frustration as they wait. They have learned that their mother will meet their needs, but it might not be straight away.

Our babies turn into toddlers and our toddlers turn into children and their needs become more developed and sophisticated. They experience bigger and more complex emotions and they start to realise that their mothers cannot fix everything, won’t be there every second of the day, might sometimes misinterpret their cries and cannot always be wholly attuned and responsive. A brand new infant’s life revolves around it’s mother and vice versa, but a baby grows into their own separate being over time. They are a human and their mother is a human and within all human to human relationships there will be ruptures and repairs. This gentle separation of worlds creates a baby’s first sense that it is a separate being to its mother and demonstrates an external reality and the beginnings of a sense of self.

Winnicott’s concept of the good enough mother proposes that these ruptures and repairs are a fundamental part of a child’s development. By experiencing small frustrations and inconveniences, our children learn important lessons about resilience, emotion regulation, realistic expectations and common humanity. Winnicott proposed that by ‘failing’ (and I use the word failing very loosely here, because it is the term Winnicott used) our children in tiny and tolerable ways on a regular basis, we are empowering them. We are showing them that things might not always immediately go their way; they will sometimes experience uncomfortable emotions like disappointment or frustration and that we can’t always offer a fix. By mothering in a way that doesn’t aim for perfection, doesn’t focus on the need to fix their every problem, allows them to feel their feelings without rushing in to assure them “you’re okay, you’re okay!” we are giving them the gift of a mother that is good enough.

A Gift to Us

Mothering in a way that aims for ‘good enough’ can help to promote independence and perseverance in our children. It can help to nurture a wider window of tolerance and can give us opportunities to teach about healthy communication, emotion regulation and distress tolerance. It can also have huge benefits for us as mothers. Winnicott proposed that to be a good mother is to be a ‘good enough’ mother. And that to be ‘good enough’ and build a safe and secure attachment with our baby we must respond appropriately and attentively to our children’s needs around 30% of the time. As a new mother I expected nothing less than 100% from myself. On some days, after 3 hours sleep, a piece of toast and a panicked scroll through a parenting app, we might expect 100% but be physically and emotionally able to give about 10%.

The process of matrescence brings with it a huge amount of change and development. Getting to know this new version of ourselves can be difficult and uncomfortable and can bring with it a lot of self-reflection and discovery. If we push onwards in this journey with unrelentingly high standards, with no room for failure or mistakes, then we are leaving no room for self-compassion and growth and humanness. If instead, we move through our mothering journey with a growth mindset, flexibility, mindful self-awareness and gentle expectations we are giving ourselves the greatest gift and the strongest internal source of stability and support.

A Gift Shared

Part of the human experience is making mistakes and being flawed. We all know on a kind of ‘wise mind’ level that perfection isn’t attainable. To demonstrate this, we can work to show up each and every day for our kids and demonstrate to them that we are only human. When we make a mistake or we drop the ball we can hold ourselves accountable, speak kindly to ourselves and try again. By modelling growth and resilience and perseverance to our children in this way, and by showing them that we don’t need to ignore our own needs or sacrifice our wellbeing to meet the needs of others, we are teaching them through our actions and not just our words. We absolutely don’t need to show our children every part of who we are, but we also don’t need to hide behind an illusion of perfection or ‘doing it all’. Our children will also make mistakes and experience disappointment at times. If they have grown up in an environment that nurtures everyone’s individual values, fosters self-compassion and doesn’t expect perfection then we can hope that they are also able to extend compassion and understanding towards themselves (and others!), as humans who are just doing their best.